Americans Who Really Know How To Celebrate July 4th
Andrew Parker - July 28, 2019

Lester

By Shel Silverstein

Lester was given a magic wish
By the goblin who lives in the banyan tree,
And with his wish he wished for two more wishes-
So now instead of just one wish, he cleverly had three.
And with each one of these
He simply wished for three more wishes,
Which gave him three old wishes, plus nine new.
And with each of these twelve
He slyly wished for three more wishes,
Which added up to forty-six -- or is it fifty-two?
Well anyway, he used each wish
To wish for wishes 'til he had
Five billion, seven million, eighteen thousand thirty-four.
And then he spread them on the ground
And clapped his hands and danced around
And skipped and sang, and then sat down
And wished for more.
And more...and more...they multiplied
While other people smiled and cried
And loved and reached and touched and felt.
Lester sat amid his wealth
Stacked mountain-high like stacks of gold,
Sat and counted -- and grew old.
And then one Thursday night they found him
Dead -- with his wishes piled around him.
And they counted the lot and found that not
A single one was missing.
All shiny and new -- here, take a few
And think of Lester as you do.
In a world of apples and kisses and shoes
He wasted his wishes on wishing.
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Every year on the fourth of July, Americans celebrate their independence in style by both watching things explode, as well as exploding from too many chicken wings and too much beer.  There really is nothing that says America more than some red, white and blue fireworks paired with an overly indulgent barbecue.  The only problem is that sometimes, confident and proud Americans decide to do it themselves, and it doesn’t always end so well. Here are some of the most epic fails of July Fourth to teach you exactly what not to do this year.

 

Patriotism On Point

 

 

In all honesty, just the shirt would have already been more than enough. It really already says it all, with both the colors of the American flag, as well as the eagle of freedom. Clearly though, for this guy, just a tank top wasn’t enough to prove what a dedicated and proud American he truly is, and felt the need to take things to the next level. Let’s just hope this isn’t permanent hair dye. 

 

 

Proud Pouch

 

 

Although dogs of course can’t truly express their feelings in words, we’re sure that even they are proud to be living in America and have all of their freedoms. Their lives could be very different if they lived somewhere else. We know this though, and should be able to accept this without them having to show it in such exaggerated ways. But hey, to each their own, as long as no harm was done to this adorable little boy of course.

 

Awkward Family America

 

 

There’s nothing quite as entertaining as a classic awkward family photo. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better (or worse, however you choose to see it), it just did when it becomes an awkward family photo, July 4th style. This overly loving family is all about showing their American pride in the most uncomfortable and non politically correct way possible. Stay classy, America! 

 

 

Southern Sunburns

 

 

Not all states are created equal, that’s for sure. So when it comes to certain states down south, such as Alabama for example, July 4th pride is shown in some rather unique and cost efficient ways that wouldn’t be found in other states such as New York.  Perhaps that’s what makes America so special however, that it’s all about diversity and acceptance, even within the borders of it’s own country.

 

Americans Abroad

 

 

When outside of America on the fourth of July, you’ve got to still find a way to celebrate, even if it means going against the country you’re currently in. So when in Canada, the cake you’ll make should look something like this. It’s a great way to get all of your Canadian buddies to still want to take a piece, and then all of sudden they won’t know what hit them. Keep on spreading the fourth of July love!

 

 

Flatulent Fireworks

 

 

While we’re all for fireworks wherever possible on the fourth of July, it’s safe to say that this proud American might have been a little bit too proud and excited to celebrate this joyous holiday.  She might also have had a just a few too many beers at her family’s BBQ, so much so that she decided to also bring in a Christmas element to the equation too.  Next time around, there should definitely be more regulations when it comes to explosives.